Saturday, June 6, 2009

Home, without my baby

Yesterday I came home from the hospital and left my baby Mitchell in the NICU. Jake tried so hard to "soften the blow." He kept taking pictures as we left the hospital, so I kept my crying to a minimum. He and the kids put up pink crete paper in EVERY room. I commented I had a boy, but the pink was welcoming ME home. They had a balloon bouquet, with Disney Princesses, get well, welcome home, a yellow smiley, and a silver star. AND they made me a cake. It was so sweet to see my husband trying so hard to make me happy to be home. Plus, he called it my welcome home party!

So many emotions are filling my mind... I know it will be okay. Deep in my heart I feel Mitchell will heal and come home. I cannot believe how much love I have for this little baby I have never got to cuddle. It is amazing the automatic love I have for this sweet baby boy. Being pregnant is so, so HARD. I tell myself I will never forget... but the second I saw little Mitchell I knew it was worth it. I would do it again for him. Really it is worth the end result. This is so eye-opening to me because honestly I didn't know that. But the love that surrounds me is amazing, and I LOVE that feeling.

There are lots of good things happening to me.
The smallest things matter. If I show up at just the right time, I can change his diaper (which they only do every 6 hours because it makes him so upset and all his vitals drop.) This is the best time because you get to see his face. He is SO CUTE!!! Seriously, he is just the sweetest, tiniest, perfect little angel.

I have wonderful doctors and nurses taking care of my baby and me. I know they love me. It might be just a job, but these people care for me, cry with me, hug me. They love my baby and are so concerned about him. I feel like they are part of my family. They keep telling me, "it's okay to cry." That makes me feel so good, because I do it ALL the time, and I know they understand.

I took for granted the fact that I was able to have a baby and hold right away. That is such a special amazing bonding moment, that I just assumed everyone got to have. Every moment is so special, I hope I realize that more often.

Thank you for all of your comments, prayers and love. I am so grateful to a Heavenly Father who let me have this amazing baby boy. I love him so much and can't wait to see him next.


  1. Aw, I can't even imgaine going home from the hospital WITHOUT your baby! That must be so hard. But you have a great little family that try to cheer you up. So now what? How long does Mitchell have to be in the hospital? I hope it all goes well. You're in our thoughts and prayers!

  2. Kellie, you made me tear up! That is a precious post and so true! I sure hope he comes home soon!!

  3. Oh Kellie... I can't stop crying. We now have more in common than before! Stay strong and please cry as much as you can AND want!! It will make it better! Little Mitchell knows how much you love him and we continue to pray for him! We love him and we love you guys! PLEASE call anytime you just want to cry. Love you!

  4. This post has brought me to tears. It is so hard leaving the hospital knowing your baby isn't coming with you and that you are no longer under the same roof. I am so sorry you are having to go through this. It is not easy and I know the strength it takes. You and your family are in our thoughts and prayers. Thank you for sharing Mitchell with us. What a joy it will be to have him in your arms! These little ones are so precious and I think you realize it even more when you aren't able to give them all the love you feel and want them to have.