Sunday, April 6, 2014

Eggshells in my mind

I cried violently today.  I opened the fridge and saw my leftover omelet from Denny's.  Without even thinking I almost told Jake he could feed it to Mitchell.  Then I started remembering how much Mitchell would have loved that omelet.  In order to survive I've had to hide a lot of my memories from myself.  It's like walking around on eggshells in my own mind.  Seriously I feel like I don't have a safe place to be.  I'm not sure which memories will paralyze me and make me think I cannot continue even one more minute, and which memories give me that comforting nostalgic longing for my little boy.  BUT once the tears come, then I want to embrace them.  I want to hurt and be mad, and hate everything that exists without Mitchell.  It's the weirdest pain, that's so hard even for me to understand.  Mitchy has now been gone for 6 almost 7 months.  I guess I want to record that it does get easier, that I am doing better, but I don't know how.  It hurts a lot.  I feel so blessed to have people who love me and care about me.  They have probably made all the difference.