Thursday, December 12, 2013

3 months today...

It's 3 months today that Mitchell left us and returned to Heaven.  Oh how my heart aches.  I miss that cute little snuggling, bucking baby of mine!  He needed me so much I instantly felt connected to this little angel of mine.  I didn't know he would leave.  I never believed it would happen.  Even when it did I didn't understand the hurt and pain I feel.  I had tried to imagine it before.  I've cried like it was the air I was trying to breathe.  I've denied it over and over.  I can't imagine what it would be like to have both Mitchell and Corbin to take care of, to see two little babies in "feeted" pajamas on the living room floor.  One day.... just wait 60 years Kellie. You've had to wait for a vacation, a birthday, a graduation, some exciting event before... this is just the same thing.  ONLY IT'S SO MUCH LONGER!!!!!!

There is so much I've been wanting to say, to write about but I been worried I won't do justice the things that I'm feeling, so instead I've done nothing.  I want to write about the miraculous birth of our new baby Corbin Willie.  The amazing wonderful blessing that he has brought me.  The peace and comfort he's bestowed on our family.  Today I decided to spend 30 minutes and write what I could and instead clicked one of my best friend's blog and found a post she had written about Mitchell.  So in Mitchell's honor I am posting it here too.  Love you Mitchell.  Love you Jennifer for taking the time to find all these pictures of Mitchell and do what I want to do every second and write about my precious baby Mitchell...

Jennifer Kendall, posted November 20, 2013
I have been wanting to put this post up for the past 2 months, but have had a hard time knowing what to say or how to put my emotions into words. 
This is Mitchy. I love Mitchy. He has been like a nephew to me as I love his mom and dad as if they are my brother and sister. I love all of their kids. They are all my family.  
Mitchy spent a lot of his childhood in doctors offices and in hospitals.  
On the morning of September 12th, I received a text from Kellie saying that there were paramedics at her house and Mitchy hadn't been breathing for over 45 minutes. She said that he wasn't going to "make it".  I was driving my kids to school when I got that text- I had Gloria read it to me. I was so shocked because recently Mitchy had seemed to be doing better.  I immediately started crying and thinking that it couldn't be true. I turned into the next driveway I saw and told my kids what the text said. They all started crying as well. We said a prayer for Mitchy. I then asked the kids if they wanted to go to school, they of course, said no. I drove straight home and left Gloria in charge. I called Travis, who was at work and asked if he had heard from Jake. He said no. I told him about the text. He immediately told the staff to shut down the office for the day and to cancel all of his and Jakes patients. He drove up to Jake and Kellie's house as I started driving to the hospital. Travis passed the ambulance as it left their house with Jake and Kellie and Mitchy inside.  Soon after, the ambulance whizzed by me with it's lights and siren blaring. I pulled over to wait for Travis, we both drove up to the hospital together.  We got to the hospital and immediately ran to Jake and Kellie (the nursing staff kindly watched Annie for us so we could be with them). There were a lot of tears and anxiousness. It was very emotional to see Mitchy so lifeless, laying on a hospital table, surrounded by so many doctors. He had many tubes hooked up to him, but this gave me hope.  False hope. I thought that if he had all these tubes and doctors working on him then something must have changed and he was going to be all right. I really believed that he would be all right. That we would go home and say our prayers and thank Heavenly Father that our little Mitchy was safe and healthy. But that is not what happened. Instead, the doctors gave us a lot of unknowns and said Mitchy needed an MRI (I think) to see what was going on inside his head. They were moving him to ICU and we would know more later. At this point I was sure it was going to be ok. Well, pretty sure. But I was mostly just thinking that he would pull through this, Mitchy ALWAYS pulls through! After sitting in the waiting room for a bit while they moved Mitchy, his doctor came into the room to talk with Jake and Kellie. He basically said that it wasn't good news. That Mitchy would NOT pull through. Oh wow!!! It was like a punch in the gut. There was a lot of talking and explaining going on, but I didn't hear any of it. I was still in shock.  
I will forever remember that day. I will remember seeing Mitchy in his moms arms for the last time. I will remember the way he looked, so peaceful and still, so much like him when he was asleep. I will remember how he was finally free of pain. What a wonderful thing for him to finally be free of pain. I will remember the tears and the heart ache, and the love that filled that room. I will remember the look on his mom and dads face- you could feel their hearts breaking just by looking at them. I will remember the prayer that his dad gave as we all gathered around Mitchy surrounding him with our love and telling him of our love. I will remember, forever, seeing him take his last breath in his moms arms.  I will forever remember Mitchy. 
He touched our lives. He touched everyone's lives that he met. He was so close to his father in heaven and he carried that spirit with him. You could not know Mitchy and not love him. He was a special guy. I know he was not my son, or even really my family, but I love him as dearly as I love any of my family. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of him- whether I am passing by his school, or sitting in church imagining him sitting in Relief Society with us, or when Kellie comes over and I suddenly think I need to go help her unload Mitch from the car, or when I go to her house and I don't see Mitch on the living room carpet- whenever we have leftover food I think of how much Mitchy would appreciate them. I think of him often and am grateful to have had the opportunity to know and love him and to be a small part of his life. 
This has not been easy on his parents and I wish I knew how to help them. How to love them. I have not suffered the loss of a child and I know that every thing that I say and do is wrong. But I don't know what is right. I love them dearly and know that I am horrible at comforting people. As much as I love Mitchy, I know that it pales horribly in comparison to the two people who dedicated their lives to making his life the best it could be. The two people who served that little man day and night selflessly for four tiring and too brief years. How can I even try to comfort them?  How can I ever understand, even a little, how deeply they are hurting and missing him?  I know that I can't help them. I haven't read books on helping people grieve. I haven't been a good friend, and I don't know how to be a good friend. But I do love them and hurt for them. 
We miss you, Mitchy.

Mighty Mitch

Jennifer Kendall, posted November 20, 2013


  1. Oh Kellie, my heart aches for you and your sweet family. I cry every time I read your blog. You are a strong, sweet, wonderful person. Think of you often. Sending hugs and love your way

  2. Love you so much. No doubt such a valiant child came from such warrior parents.