Sunday, April 6, 2014

Eggshells in my mind

I cried violently today.  I opened the fridge and saw my leftover omelet from Denny's.  Without even thinking I almost told Jake he could feed it to Mitchell.  Then I started remembering how much Mitchell would have loved that omelet.  In order to survive I've had to hide a lot of my memories from myself.  It's like walking around on eggshells in my own mind.  Seriously I feel like I don't have a safe place to be.  I'm not sure which memories will paralyze me and make me think I cannot continue even one more minute, and which memories give me that comforting nostalgic longing for my little boy.  BUT once the tears come, then I want to embrace them.  I want to hurt and be mad, and hate everything that exists without Mitchell.  It's the weirdest pain, that's so hard even for me to understand.  Mitchy has now been gone for 6 almost 7 months.  I guess I want to record that it does get easier, that I am doing better, but I don't know how.  It hurts a lot.  I feel so blessed to have people who love me and care about me.  They have probably made all the difference.

3 comments:

  1. I love you.... So sorry that you have to endure this trial :(
    I miss Mitchy, too- so I can't even begin to know of the pain you must be in. Sending hugs your way.

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  2. Kellie, you are enduring one of the hardest trials I can think of. I am so thankful you don't have to endure alone. I can't imagine how hard it must be to lose a child you have loved and nurtured for years. It was so hard to lose my father unexpectedly and so heart breaking. But, it was bittersweet as that trial strengthened my faith in dramatic ways that I know I couldn't have known without losing him. I hope that you recognize that miracle as you endure the almost constant difficult moments of longing for your sweet Mitchell. He is such a lucky boy to have had you in his life and to have you for the rest of eternity after this short life is over!!! I know every day seems like eternity sometimes when you are grieving for the loss of a loved one, but you will get through because you are amazing and you don't have to do it alone! I was just thinking how much I miss your voice and laugh. Please don't hesitate to call me sometime. I would love to hear more about your sweet Mitchell!!! Love and prayers your way!

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  3. Hi Kellie! My name is Heather and I have a question about your blog! My email is Lifesabanquet1(at)gmail(dot)com :-)

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